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8yo: ""I Believe I Can Fly" isn't my favourite song any more. R Kelly is going to prison for 30 years. He robbed loads of banks or something." His 13yo brother (whispering): "I told him that to protect him from the terrible truth."

Playing a game called Herd Mentality where everyone has to shout out an answer, the question was "Name something you lose as you get older." The 12yo, without missing a beat, said "Your virginity."

6yo asks: Why are they called black and white movies when they're actually shades of grey? Good point. There's a movie called 50 Shades Of Grey, y'know. Oh. What's it about? About a woman who wants to paint her house grey but can decide which shade.

wife to 9y.o.: you need to have a bath. him: but i don't want to have a bath. her: but you're starting to smell. him: the smell of victory?

the 11y.o.: dad, you know the phrase "too many biscuits"? me: eh, no... her: exactly.

11 y.o. daughter, just back from spending some birthday money in pavilions: "why are they selling ac/dc shirts in h&m, to people who've never heard ac/dc?"

8 y.o. son (on a bit of a brand/logo-buzz of late): "you know if you turn the mcdonald's arches upside-down you get the symbol for breastfeeding?" (not according to an image search just now.)

the 7yo: what would be the name of the christmas single from your heavy rock metal band? mine would be 'black leather mistletoe'.

no.2 (7 y.o.) "i need the bob mould, where is my bob mould? daddy, can you find my bob mould?" [daddy reaches for some husker du] "i love my minions play doh."

just now, getting ready for bed: me: "what's that on your bum, dude?" the 6 y.o.: "oh, i didn't realise how embarrassing it would be to let [my sister] use her tattoo pens to draw a picture on it of me laughing!"

did she get a visit from the guy with the mobile planetarium? they're all fuckin experts now. i had to wait til i got to jodrell bank at age 12.

correct. sweets + death is preferable to no sweets + life. this same child puked up foaming sherbet, half a flog and some spicy nik naks within an hour of the above.

no.2 (age 5): "daddy which is worst - getting no sweets for halloween, losing all your loom bands, or death?"

"have you got PE today?" "yeah, we're doing skipping. [pause] maybe we can skip maths."

this from player 2 (nearly 5 y.o.) "daddy, search for your heart" "how do i do that, son?" "put your hand down your neck and reach inside your chest"